A Farewell to March Madness

This month has been, well, a lot.

There are a lot of reasons for this but primarily it was one of those months where I felt myself spiraling out of control and I did nothing but stand back and watch. It really does feel like I'm watching another person sometimes, like I have no control of her and what she might do or say. I think alcohol use has something to do with this, but also, not everything. I certainly feel a split running all the way through my core. And it splits a bit wider with each additional burden life decides to pile on me. 

Health anxiety has kicked into full gear, after some chronic side pain and other ailments that are still buzzing in my head like an incessant doom flies. I even went to the E.R. I let it rule me and my decisions for weeks on end, I let it consume me, I felt myself physically give in to the overwhelm. I let myself be carried away on a current, I felt myself giving into becoming a victim of life. I felt myself crack wider when I went out with co-workers, plunging into the night world, my old world - somewhere I shouldn't ever go back to but I miss so deeply in moments. 

I felt myself betray my morality. I felt myself dissociate entirely from my poor decisions, for self-preservation purposes. I spoke with my dearest friend M about this, and described it as a fragmenting of self. With each poor decision a piece of myself breaks off and floats away like a monstrous, jagged piece of driftwood, waiting to collide into me at some point in the future.

After all of the decisions I make that horrify me (me, as in my true self, my conscience) I immediately retrieve the dustpan and broom - fervently sweeping up all of the broken bits and shoving them out of sight. I used to ruminate so deeply on these moments of agonizing pain, whether caused by my own doing or someone else's. I would stare at the broken mess on the floor, even lay in it, sobbing. I'm different now. Now, I coldly sweep them up, lock them away, and throw away the key. I'm not a big enough fool to actually believe they won't ever come back, they always do.

Life is so incredibly messy and so difficult to process. I've learned to forgive myself (I think). But I also need to learn how to become more resilient, rely less on alcohol and other substances. I need to actually get sleep. I need to get out of the house. I need to stop worrying so much about what others think. I need to spend time with family. I need to reconcile and confront my fears about the unknowns that have always existed for every human who has walked this earth. I need to learn how to be content, grateful, and happy - consistently.

I've had two job opportunities present themselves to me today, it felt like fate. Everything meeting me at once. The universe reacting to energy. I truly believe I'll have a great career - I feel confident in myself about this. I know I can triumph in my personal family life, mental health, and overall happiness as well - I just need to believe it.