Fuck yes, it's September

To reiterate the above sentiment, fuck yes. It's September.

This summer has been unbearably hot (thanks climate change), unbearably long, and filled with new and unthinkable personal challenges. My 30th year on this earth has turned out to be QUITE the year, thus far.

I purchased a leather-bound journal that I've been distantly faithful to over the past few months, but this is far easier. Tonight I opened up the blog which I've avoided for some time, for some reason. It was a heavily reassuring feeling to read through my past posts. I've came so far, but I also have so far to go. There is a great power in journaling and documenting one's thoughts and feelings, I need to incorporate this into my routine.

Below, I will list the big changes of my 30th year around the sun, thus far:

- I was promoted! (Big money).

- M and I separated. For good.

- Began navigating single motherhood. 

- Began navigating dating.

- Gaining more confidence in all areas of life.

- Traveled A LOT, so far this year.

- Kept HA at bay.

This pertains to this summer, more specifically. Or spring through summer, as M and I broke up on his birthday. May 6th. Our 7th anniversary. This is something that I'm having a difficult time processing. Not because I am upset we aren't together, but because of the co-parenting aspect. With an addict. That I love, care about, and am constantly scared for. I worry for S.

I haven't even began to address what to do about my mom-guilt involving this separation. We argue often in front of S. It has to end. I can tell she's impacted by our split. M is in his own small apartment, that she stays the night in maybe two days a week now. I'm not even sure that's smart of me - but she needs to see her daddy. Her daddy needs to see her. I'm worried she's confused. Sad. I hope this isn't something she remembers forever, or has an impact on her long-term. I can't keep her father from danger, but I can protect her. And I need to do a better job. 

So many things about motherhood are about accepting the things you don't have control over. Sometimes I wonder if I've became complacent with the lack of control and have given up, or that I've put too much slack in the reigns with this situation. Am I just distracting myself and not critically thinking? There is no playbook for this shit. I need to go back to therapy.

I can fully financially support myself. I'm so incredibly grateful for this, especially with my promotion.

But. As far as the promotion goes, if I'm being honest, my excitement has dulled significantly. I haven't hit my stride. I make incredible money though, and I need to put in more focus and effort into this role. I know I can excel at this and become the best, my motivation has just been invested elsewhere. I've been... distracted lately. 

Dating is wildly distracting. Or, N is wildly distracting. It feels so good, like I'm alive again, my veins are buzzing. It's scary. My immediate draw to him is terrifying. I feel so comfortable with him. Everything feels good, I know he likes me quite a bit. He's been very kind, gentle, or anything else I ask or want from him. He brought S and I a care package while we were sick with Covid (yes, it finally came to our house). I forget about everything that makes me sad when I'm with him. I forget about my anxieties (health, work, motherhood, family, friends) when I'm next to him. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel good about myself, he is constantly complimenting me, talking to me, wanting to be around me. He makes me feel SO many intense things. It's... so gratifying. It's something I haven't had in so long. Love isn't the word. It's definitely on the precipice of something, though, and I'm not sure what will happen. I think he and I both like the slow burn and suspense of it all, but our attraction and emotions keep driving us further each time we see each other. 

This week is the most we've seen each other, but it's basically been twice a week since our first date (at the end of July). This week he spent the night on Sunday, I spent the night on Monday, and then he spent the night last night (Wednesday). That's quite a bit, especially for two people who are trying to move slowly, but we can't get enough of each other. Last night we just laughed, watched the Americans, and cuddled all night and morning. It's hard to leave the bed and start our day without each other. We can't stop talking. Most days/nights we can't stop other things..

He told me he thinks about me 90% of his day, and I feel the same way. It's confusing in some aspects, only when we try to touch relationship territory conversations. I get defensive, he gets in his head and somewhat withdrawn and seemingly hurt. (Great). It's a push and pull and feels like mixed signals sometimes. 

My trust issues are real. I trust him but only to an extent. I dislike that he has any power over me. I want the power. But this is a very adult relationship thus far, in communication, in safety, in checking in with each other. 

I have to go to CO tomorrow for a wedding but I'll check in tomorrow because I have more to say. I'm just fucking tired and I want to get up and work out tomorrow at 6. 

Xo