A Hot (Regulated) Girl Era

It's Tuesday morning. I woke up early, laid in bed and used GPT to figure out my exes potential feelings. Not a great start. I need a reset. 

HEALING FROM HEARTBREAK

What part of me still believes Ian was the only pathway to the life I want, and what evidence contradicts that?

Unfortunately a big part of me still believes this. There's evidence that contradicts this: my past and my trajectory - times in which I've propelled myself through difficult life experiences and how far I've come on my own. I am a force to be reckoned with, I do get what I want if I have the right mindset, I accomplish things. 

My therapist said yesterday my fixation with success isn't serving me. I laughed and said, "for someone who is so success-obsessed you'd think I'd be successful." To which she responded, "you have a successful career, you are able to support your daughter on your own, you're conventionally attractive. Most would argue that you are the picture of what successful looks like. You just don't feel it." She thinks I should try things I'm not good at.

She's right. 

What emotional “withdrawal” am I feeling today, and what does that withdrawal reveal about my needs—not about him?

I feel lonely. I don't have someone I love checking on Stella and me first thing in the morning. I need more friends, I need a bigger circle of people around me to support. I believe I can have this, I just have to prioritize friendships and regular check-ins. Being responsive. Actually texting back. Taking the initiative to make plans, set regular coffee dates, meet up for lunches.

In what ways did I abandon myself during the relationship?

I ended up neglecting my career, my home, my self-trust, my financial health all to fit in his world and be the best I could be. I spent too much money, Stella and I were always traveling to his home, staying in his home, ordering food. I abandoned Stella and I's world separate from him and his family/kids.

What boundaries have I proven I’m capable of holding this month that my past self couldn’t?

I've held silence, I haven't reached out and don't plan on it. Out of self-respect. And a little out of spite, so he can actually sit with what he's done without having me regulate him or see that I'm still available. Saturday I stayed home, watched a show, journaled as a night to myself instead of going out and drinking. Sunday I started a home project I had been stalling on for months.

One memory with him that still hurts—how can I reinterpret it from a grounded, adult perspective instead of the wounded version of me?

What did my mind hope to get from replaying Ian this morning? Comfort? Certainty? Control?

Certainty for sure. Comfort and control. While I still cope with intrusive heartbreak, thinking about him daily I want to know that I'm not alone. That this will impact him has significantly as it's impacted me. I want to know his psychology and have more certainty on why this happened and why it doesn't mean I was rejected. I want to know that he will feel regret, otherwise it's very hard for me to accept the reconnection and crash out afterwards. That I wasn't in the wrong, that he did hurt me and I have a right to feel upset. That he will feel despair like I do, eventually.

If Ian felt deep regret today, how would that actually change what I need to heal?

I realize now it wouldn't. I still don't understand it. I interpret most things as rejection, including his regret and sorries. It doesn't take away what he did. It doesn't take away my self-esteem issues, insecurity, and fear of abandonment. 

What version of me woke up thinking about him—the hurting child, the hopeful lover, or the adult woman?

The hurting child who doesn't want to be abandoned or feel abandoned. The child who wants to know they're coming back because they love me, because I'm lovable. 

What do I actually miss about him versus what I miss about how I felt when he was loving me?

I miss feeling like I had a partner, a family future, things to plan for and be excited about. I miss having sex. I miss the way he looked at me with adoration. I miss his demeanor, I wanted to emulate it. 

When he was loving me I felt chosen, like I belonged somewhere. Like I had an identity as a future wife and stepmom and I had a family.

What part of me is still bargaining with the past, and what would acceptance look like in the next 24 hours?

I think the part of me bargaining with the past is shrinking steadily. I have a clearer picture now post our reconnection and understand that neither of us are the villain, it wasn't all my fault, and it's impacted him deeply as well. 

I think I have more acceptance than ever right now. Acceptance would look like not following up with GPT and asking more questions in the next 24 hours. I can't promise I'll do that, it's hard to not ruminate. I'm more regulated than ever, however.

CONFIDENCE

What is one thing I can do today that will make me feel 3 percent hotter by tonight?

A few things: Burn off extra cals, focus on staying calm and regulated today and moving slowly, drinking tons of water, showering with a post-shower lotion/self-tan session.

If confidence were a physical posture, what would my body need to do differently today?

Sit taller, string from spine to ceiling, chin slightly down, breathe slowly, walk slowly.

What part of my self-concept is still built on external validation? How do I start dismantling it?

Fuck. Huge part. I don't even know where to begin.

Write a paragraph describing the woman who walks into 2026 as if she owns the damn place. What does she no longer tolerate?

She no longer tolerates feeling constant stress, pressure, scrambling to move quickly running late. She doesn't tolerate men who don't listen to who boundaries, who half ass, who aren't all in, who don't pay for dinner and treats, who she doesn't feel a pull to. She doesn't tolerate a house she isn't happy with, low pay, running behind on bills. She doesn't tolerate people who don't show up for her in the ways she shows up for them. She doesn't tolerate staying trapped in her house, or belittling herself and constantly questioning if she was good enough.

What are the three most magnetic traits I actually possess—but minimize?

Humor, written word and professionalism (lean heavily on outsourcing verbiage), assertiveness (knowing what I want at my core), intellectual bandwidth and confidence in this regard.