Hangovers, Hook-ups, and Ex Rumination

It's Sunday and I'm working out while Stella plays on her iPad with her friend. Feeling a bit guilty about that and worry it's neglectful. But we have plans to get sushi later and I'm excited to get her out of the house. 

I'm in a weird state and back to the 'single' mentality that i've experienced between relationships after Mitchell, Nate, and now Ian. I'm really hard on myself about this. I don't like this version of me, it feels aimless, but I also realize the power and freedom that comes with it. 

I do feel like I'm enjoying this freedom. Lack of obligation and I can try to heal and focus on myself and Stella. Doing a lot of focusing on myself I realize lately, but it's much needed considering the mental fucking pit I've barely crawled out of since June.

I have a 'hook-up buddy,' we'll call him Gregor, and I think he's falling for me. Mostly because I'm emotionally unavailable (still in love with my ex). He accidentally said he loved me last weekend when we were out after he bought me dinner. He's the third man who has said this now, since Ian, that I've dated. He's a Leo, incredibly avoidant, very handsome, and absolutely not someone who I picture as a partner at all. I don't think that's his expectation either but it's simultaneously stressful and flattering (given he doesn't show much interest in long-term partnership and i feel 'chosen'). It's healing to feel wanted by him. He's really handsome.

I think all of the above I need to really sit with, as inconvenient as it sounds. It's always drinking fueled, I like drinking and getting attention from men, even men I don't want. It makes me feel better about my break-up, and it's always given me a taste of self-worth. It's better than sitting at home and eating chips in bed consulting with GPT about if my ex still loves me or if I'm wasting my life completely. I can't decide whether I don't have many girlfriends, or if I'm bad at planning and taking initiative, or if I'd rather get male attention.

Another thing. If I'm being totally honest; I simply can't fucking drink anymore. Like not even a drop. I don't drink at all during the week and when I do go out (maybe once every two weeks) I brown out, get wasted, and wake up completely disabled for the next 24 hours. It takes me about 48 hours to fully recover from the lingering anxiety and depression fog from treating my body like a total dumpster. Untenable. 

I wonder if Ian is thinking of me. If he regrets how he handled everything. If he wishes he could undo it. 

What is the truth about who I am today versus who I was in June?

I'm stronger. I'm more self-reliant. I'm certainly less depressed. I'm more successful in work and professional life. I've accomplished a few things I wouldn't have - especially enrolling in classes for next semester and interviewing for new roles. I closed the largest deal in my company's history. I'm getting my confidence and self-love back and realizing my life experience and happiness and where I end up in five years is entirely up to me and always has been. 

What part of me is waking up again now that the chaos is gone?

The version who can actually change my life. The version who accomplishes things she is proud of, the version who makes her family and daughter proud. The version who will do everything in her power to live more consciously, carefully, thoughtfully, and who will protect myself from my past patterns and choices.

What is the difference between freedom and avoidance for me right now?

Freedom is the feeling of not being obligated to do things I don't want to do, for a partner. I was always prioritizing someone else and their experience and emotions over my own. Ian's emotional state in relation to me was like a life-source. That must have been overwhelming not just for me, but for him to be on the receiving end of that. 

I tap into avoidance predominately when I'm alone, without Stella, on days I don't work, or at night time. I fill it with scrolling, eating junk, and going out drinking and having sex with a man I don't want true partnership with. I also avoid during the work week, through high-performance, over-functioning, work/Stella, exercise. 

What does Stella actually need from me on a day like this—and what guilt is just inherited noise?

No stress. Lightness. My presence and warmth and love. Ease. 

And definitely a shower.

What am I getting out of men like Gregor that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with healing?

The knowledge I am desirable and I have the ability/magnetism to make men fall in love. Reassurance I'm attractive, beautiful, rare. That passion is not gone from my life and won't be anytime soon. I am admired and adored.

What need am I trying to meet when I drink?

Lack of confidence, full stop. I'm making up for that, insecurity, and my need to feel lighter and less tightly wound and stressed about the things I'm normally fixated on. The overall day to day fight or flight mode. That version of me is extremely hard to access otherwise.

What emotion do I feel when I think, “Ian might be thinking about me”?

Longing, validation, ego and grief cocktail. For sure. Also some limerence for his experience and how tragic this is. I feel a swell physically in my stomach/chest area and a stinging behind my eyes.

What do I actually want my life to look like in 90 days if I stop numbing, stop drinking, stop spiraling, and keep choosing myself?

Better diet and no junk food coping. Better sleep and nutrition. Routine for Stella and I, playdates for Stella, friend dates for me. Better skincare. I'll have trips planned for the year. I'll have a new role at a new tech company and a fresh start.

What is the one thing future-me will be proud I admitted today?

I'm acknowledging my avoidance. I'm thinking through things and typing them on my own, without assistance, without further avoidance through someone else thinking for me or making decisions for me.

How do I want to feel when I close this page?

At ease, lighter. More compassion for myself today and what I accomplish and my current motherhood experience. I want to feel self-trust and reliance, and feel confident I have my own back if a behavior or pattern is not serving me, I'll change it.