Reflection of the Past Week's Anxiety Peak

 MONDAY 4/26

Stayed up until the wee morning hours Googling my chest pain symptoms searching helplessly for reassurance and finding nothing but new reasons to feel afraid. I went to bed at 3:30AM only to wake up at 6 letting my mom know I was having serious chest pain and wanted to visit the ER when she came over (to take me to my root canal appointment). I spent the morning in bed as she watched S and then eventually woke up, feeling a little better after talking with her and spending time with her and S. Managed to make it through a crown placement appointment (well done, you). Went to bed feeling like a failure.

TUESDAY 4/27

Battled with anxiety- peaked in the evening.

WEDNESDAY 4/28

Being at work relieved a lot of my symptoms and chest pain thanks to distraction and a posture corrector. Anxiety crept in after everyone left and I was alone with the last patients. Went home feeling anxious and did schoolwork/googled symptoms.

THURSDAY 4/29

Felt anxious all day.

FRIDAY 4/30

Felt on the verge of a full-blown panic attack, constantly monitoring HR on my Fitbit and trying to get deeper breaths. This peaked in the early afternoon- when I traveled to the hospital to record a voicemail and came back to Stones Crossing. I felt trapped talking with my boss about her life and love life (nothing was asked about me and my life) although she reassured me my chest pain was normal. Got home late.

SATURDAY 5/1

Went to the Famer's Market with M, Mom, and S. I felt great and ready to go (slept-in) and had an ok time at the market although I was anxious about waiting in lines and finding the right vendors. I felt most relaxed when we sat in our spot under the big tree and ate our snacks. Got highly anxious when we came back to the house with my Mom- highly conscious of the messy state of things, worrying if she smelled cigarette smoke from clothes. She promptly left when I lost it on M because of my stress. 

SUNDAY 5/2

Had a good day and spent time with S. Early afternoon came and my anxiety peaked once again- received EKG in the mail and it peaked in an intense way. EKG was slightly malfunctioning and I almost lost it- my heart rate sitting down was 121 BPM. I was terrified and angry and lashed out at M in front of S- she saw me crying and starting crying- wailing "Mommy!!" I am deeply ashamed of my behavior yesterday and long to see this anxiety managed.

TODAY

I felt great this morning B, S and I went to Target and shopped. My anxiety began kicking in at the store (ordered a coffee, that didn't help) and immediately wanted to go home and hide away- thinking about all of the schoolwork that needed to be done. B left and I laid S down for a nap- then proceeded to smoke and do homework, never feeling much better after that. I decided to take a Benadryl around 5:30 to calm my nerves and it helped somewhat. Had fun with S with M before her bedtime. Now I am feeling somewhat relaxed, ready for bed, but still have a nagging urge to "do things."

Observation- I usually choose nighttime for the time to re-orient and figure out what I need to do to change my life. It's my quiet time, which is unfortunate because better sleep attributes to less anxiety. I am documenting this for myself and perhaps for future therapy use in seeing these patterns and how exactly the effect my life. It helps knowing that this anxiety usually begins in the early afternoon- it makes me wonder why. Sometimes I think I feel like each day is a race to the finish line, worrying about what I have and haven't accomplished that day.