Thoughts on Motherhood with Health Anxiety/Therapy

It's like clockwork- I'm okay-ish for weeks, a month, a few months and then all of a sudden it wraps it's vice-like grip around my throat. It chokes me, leaves me gasping for air, has me panicking and seeing bursts of stars behind my eyes, there is no way out, a feeling of panic. 

Anxiety has been a part of my daily life since I can remember. Normal human tasks such as waking up, hygiene, cleaning the house, changing a diaper can become debilitating triggers for a full blown panic attack. Hearing about the death of a family friend, or friend's friend can send me spiraling for weeks obsessing over my current health status, potential for heart attack, cancers. A major health scare in someone else's life can send me reeling as well, thinking I'm next, that I have the worst form of whatever symptomatology Google can produce in a matter of seconds. 

My anxiety likes to wear different hats- hypochondria is it's favorite but the fear of people judging me is it's second favorite. 

My anxiety has bleed into and became a barking intruder into my motherhood and my time with my daughter. For instance- today I was on my phone (googling symptoms) for what seemed like seconds but turned into an hour while S tried her best to get my undivided attention. She watched me viciously snap at M when I couldn't get my new EKG monitor to work.  She began crying when I was crying and yelling "mommy."

NOW is where my anxiety meets it's match.

My next step is therapy. I'm tired of wasting my valuable time and energy on my anxiety and the negative "Chatter" that goes on in my head every day. It is key that I begin the work it takes to change my internal dialogue and coping mechanisms for a better, happier life for myself, M, and S. This anxiety is what keeps me from sleeping, keeps me from quitting smoking, and keeps me from reaching my full potential. 

Time to tell it to fuck off for brighter, happier days ahead.