Acceptance

Hi, felt like writing tonight. 

My anxiety has been increasingly pronounced as of late ever since a few weeks before switch to my new job and especially since working from home. This is such an incredibly positive change for my life, as well as my family's, financially and career-wise. So why is this extreme anxiety rearing its ugly head NOW?

Well, lot's of reasons. It helps to distance myself and look at this anxiety from the perspective of a third party (a technique I have recently learned from a CBT workbook and a wonderful book named "Chatter"). 

Change is something I proudly say I can handle, that I'm resilient, that I'm open to change and believe it is the catalyst for all progress. It turns out change is something that also manifests catastrophic anxiety, in my case I revert to seeing positive change as a reason to fear death. Self-sabotage in other words. 

Irrational thoughts rush through my head daily:

"I don't deserve a good job." 

"I won't be able to handle this."

"I am not skilled enough to keep this job, people will find out that I'm not good enough and I'll get fired."

"I'm not disciplined enough to work from home, so I will fail."

"This is too hard."

"There must be something wrong with me, health-wise, because I just don't feel right. My chest hurts, my muscles hurt, I'm always tired, I can't sleep." (Note: most health anxiety comes from the by-product physical symptoms OF anxiety, ie. sore muscles, fast HR, not breathing properly, TMJ issues).

"I'm a horrible mom for being career-driven and my relationship with my daughter will suffer because I'm not there enough."

All of these thoughts are a product of fear. Writing them out helps because in text-form I can see how irrational they truly are. I feel like I do not have enough self-trust and self-confidence in order to completely eradicate this sort of thought pattern just yet. The voice in my head is not nice, she's a fucking bitch actually. She tells me I look fat, I look old, I am ridiculous for thinking that I can be successful and reminds me consistently of all of my failures, as well as reminds me of all of the scary shit that can happen and that COULD happen - if I try to be better. 

I am very habit forming and can be a very black-and-white thinker. I always believe things about myself are permanent, unchangeable, set in stone. Which is all complete bullshit. Total bullshit. People can change at any moment, any day, any time in any day. It's all about your mind. What I decide is what I decide. 

Nothing is permanent. 

The above statement is one that has always scared the shit out of me. I'm the kind of person that needs to KNOW what the future holds, needs to be prepared for the worst-case-scenario. Which has stunted my growth and kept me from experiencing new things, getting out of the house, and has prevented me from being happy. It has fostered and helped grow my anxiety, the nasty little prickly weed that it is, to where it's blocked all light of day from every window in my internal house. It has kept me pessimistic, unexcited, and has kept me shut in my home (keeping my daughter with me). 

It's time to break free. This will take time, it's not an all-or-nothing decision. This sort of change of perspective requires patience, acceptance of anxiety, acceptance of failure, and acceptance of change. It requires conscious daily effort. It requires baby steps which lead to the overarching feeling of freedom. It is a conscious rewiring of the brain that will take time. But now is the time. It has always been the time. 

And if tomorrow I'm stricken by anxiety and feel scared all day long and down - I will know that that is ok. That is normal, I embrace it, I see it from a distance and realize it is small in comparison to other moments and it will subside. I can and will be better. 

I just need to accept that I will never be perfect. That no one around me is perfect, despite what they convey. I am healthier than most, less healthy than a lot. Nothing is set in stone. I have not committed myself to eternal suffering because I dabbled in cocaine and binge-drinking n my early twenties. In fact, that's mild, in comparison to some. This does not mean I will get cancer, this does not mean I will die early, this does not mean I deserve an illness. 

I AM A FUCKING GOOD PERSON. WHAT I FEEL IS NOT ONLY EXCLUSIVE TO ME. 

I can fucking do this.