Am I Doing This Right?

    As I sit in my freshly made bed, procrastinating on homework and watching a Jessica Chastain movie, I feel this boiling/nauseating sense of overwhelming envy. I envy her, her career, her talent, her beauty. I can't get Scenes from A Marriage out of my head.

    Looking at my reflection in the mirror as I wear a SkinCeuticals face-mask all I see is an on-going project. Someone who isn't complete, someone who needs work, someone who does everything incorrectly - one day I will have it right? Right? 

    When I lose weight I will feel better. When I dye my hair I will feel better. When I make more money I will feel better. When I stop drinking I will feel better. When I stop smoking I will feel better. When I focus more on motherhood than a career I will feel better. When I focus more on a career than motherhood I will feel better. When I get a new car I will feel better.

    It's like I'm watching myself waste my life - waiting. Waiting for everything to be perfect. Waiting to be happy instead of letting myself be happy now. I wonder what will make me "whole?" Is it finding a sense of purpose? Returning to Christianity? Becoming a fitness trainer? Life coach? Getting my degree?

    I'm not sure when it will "click," but I am sure of one thing: I want to start being happy. I want to enjoy life and it's quirks. I want to enjoy being a mother. I don't want to mentally beat the living shit out of myself anymore. I need to forgive myself for my past. I need to forgive myself so I can move on with my future. 

    I think I am searching for purity. A "re-do," a version of myself that I can look at without guilt, shame - only pride. But I need to look around me - really look around me, and see that the people here, sharing this earth with me, feel all of these feelings too. Even Jessica Chastain. I need to see my journey, my age, in a new and forgiving warm light. I need to admire myself and how far I've came. 

    I've realized that the only key to my happiness is trusting myself, forgiving myself, and becoming more spiritual about life.

    Today is hopefully a step forward in the direction of this forgiveness and subsequent happiness.