The November Spiral

Searching for a bit of much-needed self-reflection before my next prospect meeting. I should have done this earlier. I should be doing this more. 

Bottom line, I've become completely out of touch with myself in the past few months. Really, since beginning to work from home and work in tech. I've known the remedies all along - better structured schedule, no drinking, daily exercise. Really a schedule is something that I want so badly but I refuse to adhere to.

The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and all of a sudden I find myself here. Back at square one. Smoking, drinking. Unhappy. I've gained 10 lbs. since working from home (if not a little more). Low self-esteem. Unhealthy sleep, eating, and drinking habits. I've started and quit therapy. I quit smoking for nearly three months and started back again - now full-fledged smoking all over again.

Today is beautiful. It's 60 degrees and sunny out. I haven't been outside of the house in months it feels like. I've been stuck within these walls, sprinting in a hamster wheel, wondering why I'm unhappy. This is a self-constructed cage. I need to break out. How do I even start? Why do I keep myself here? 

I feel like trying to change is fruitless if I always end up back at rock-bottom. This time I feel like I've plunged even further than before. I'm not sure what I want or who I am. I feel like a bad mother. 

Looking back at the tapestry of my life and my habits I'm going to re-evaluate the triggers for positive change in my life. All the way back. More recently I read Claire Pooley's Sober Diaries. I'm going to re-read. I want to begin a new chapter. I want to feel good about myself, admire myself, be content with myself. I'm more than capable of doing all of these things in a short matter of time I believe. Every day is a new chance to begin again. I can make this different - it's up to me. 

I never want to let go of my goals like this again. I will be better. For me, for my daughter.