Friday March 4th: How to Cope in the Midst of HA

 I think I'm re-learning how to do this. Surprisingly I may be re-surfacing after a almost a year of being stuck in a deep fog of depression, apathy, melancholy, and overall listlessness. I think I might be remembering out to pull myself out of this after all. 

The strangest part is that this began to flicker in the midst of a health anxiety episode. (Which I'm still in it, mind you). But I think that this has made me remember how to persist, prioritize, and just function while my brain is on fire. I've been forced to remember how to continue going when I feel like I can't go anymore. It's reassuring to be impressed by myself in other words. It's reassuring to think of myself as strong. For S. 

I think I've always been strong, but lately I've felt very weak. Working from home started this I think. I've felt soft, not just in the body, but in the mind. I've lost my self-discipline. I've lost my will to better myself. Feeling the need to make these appointments and push myself out of the house out of necessity has made me realize that I've lost faith in myself these past several months. I've slowly cowered myself into a corner, week by week. I've let go of my ambitions thinking that making more money and having a better job meant that I had done it. That I was done. That I could forget about the things that motivated me outside of my career - that I should inherently be happy with myself because of this.

Instead of comparing myself to others, I will prefer to compare myself to the strong versions of myself. I will remember how I coped with difficulties in the past and match it as best as I can.

I am a good mother. I am a good daughter. I am a good friend. I am a beautiful person inside and out and I deserve to have faith in myself. I deserve to be strong. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel joy. And I deserve to feel excited about the future.