Content and Alone On Thanksgiving TBC

It's early afternoon on Thanksgiving and I'm happy to be alone, knowing Stella is surrounded by her cousins at Mitchell's sister's house. I'm happy to have quiet and space to move my body, get shit done, think and relax. 

I've noticed I get in a habit of productivity focused time off. Anytime I have a long stretch of days off I never follow a carpe diem mindset, I always crash out and it looks like this:

"What have a put off around here that I can finally get done, that's what normal people would do. Shit this isn't enough time, good moms plan fun activities with their kids, good moms are with their kids, I worry Stella isn't having fun, she's stuck on the screen, she's not getting nutrients she needs, what can I buy that would make it better, is this a good idea, shit I should have planned ahead, I never leave my house or are around people no wonder I'm so fixated on men and my ex" etc. etc. I'm over it. I want to be gracious to myself, I want to see things for what they are. I want to make life more manageable and less challenging and scary.

How to Enjoy Time Off

• What beliefs do I have about rest that make it feel like a threat instead of nourishment? Where did I learn those beliefs?

I feel like resting means I'm falling behind. While other people can rest (moms who have a partner) if I rest that means I'm actively choosing to fall behind. Also I feel like I don't know how to rest properly without ruminating. It feels threatening because I have a core belief that maybe I'm not good enough and if I'm not actively trying to be better every day than I am getting worse. 

I'm not sure where I learned those beliefs exactly, but I know my mom was constantly touting an endless to-do list growing up, still does that to this day. It's hard to listen to and makes me feel overwhelmed and shut down.

Also, society doesn't help. I constantly instagram moms, models, influencers who seem to have their shit together. My co-workers lives look so clean and put together. I feel the need to keep up and I'm never doing enough.

If productivity wasn’t allowed to define my worth today, what would I choose to do simply because I like it? Why does that choice feel uncomfortable or indulgent?

I'm honestly not sure. I'd go shopping? I'd go on a walk or get out of the house and buy myself a boba tea after getting ready and feeling cute. I'd listen to music and not worry if it keeps me from focusing. I'd definitely get out of the house - I feel chained here just because I'm doing so much around the house today, working out, journaling, laptop shit. 

• Where do I confuse stillness with stagnation? How can I rewrite that connection?

I'm not sure where I confuse that. I think it's when I self-reflect more so than look at others. I'm not sure how to rewrite this.

• What would “enough for today” look like if I based it on being human, not exceptional?

Journaling, painting my bathroom. Stationary bike.

• What emotion comes up first when I am alone with nothing scheduled? What is that emotion trying to protect me from feeling?

Anxiety. I think it's trying to protect me from feeling lonely, alone with myself, sad, depressed.

• If I gave myself permission to enjoy this long weekend, what would I allow myself to feel? What would I stop apologizing for?

I'd allow myself to move slow. I'd stop apologizing for the dirty dishes and messy ass basement and tiny bathroom.

How to Parent Better (for the energy I actually have)

When Stella resists me, what story do I make up about myself? What is the emotional truth beneath that story?

The story I tell myself is a victimhood story in all honesty. 

"You put up with so much, I wish I had someone else here to help, I wish I could make her happy, I wish I had a happier child, I wish it was easier for me."

The emotional truth behind that story is that I'm stretched so fucking thin. I need help.

What is the version of motherhood I secretly believe I “should” be living? Where did that fantasy come from?

I already know the fantasy comes from a made up society standard. Now that my ex and I are separated I realize I created a fantasy motherhood even more so while in that relationship:

It was the first time I felt like a family. The fantasy that I'd be making a beautiful home, being the best mom ever, with a powerful career, but putting that on the back burner to support my husband. I'd focus on looking as beautiful as possible, I'd focus on health, I'd focus on anti-aging, and trips, and buying a beautiful home in Carmel. 

I'd plan fun things to do for the kids, I'd have a spreadsheet of summer camps lined up, I'd take them on shopping sprees, plan fun spring breaks and summer trips. I'd have Sunday night dinners with parents and plan recipes. 

• What is the real, human, sustainable version of motherhood I’m actually capable of giving? How can I honor that version without shame?

The real, human, sustainable version of motherhood looks more selfish than I'd like it to on paper. I'd have my career, education that I'm working on, my fitness routine, creativity, classes, therapy. I'd ask for help when I need it. Those things would fill my cup. I don't make creative meals, I don't plan constant trips or activities over the weekend. I make sure Stella feels loved, taken care of, independent and strong. I'd focus on school and homework and reading with her nightly, I'd hear her and her interests. I'd have more stay in movie nights with her. I'd set more playdates.

 What parts of Stella’s temperament trigger my own wounds? How do those triggers shape my reactions?

She reminds me of me. That scares me. She has a lot of anxiety and fears, defensiveness. This makes me feel irritated, much like I get irritated with myself. And then I also feel so sad. I don't want her to experience life in the negative ways I have. I want her to be stronger than I am.

• If my only job in parenting was connection over perfection, what would that look like in a 10-minute window?

• What boundaries or routines would make our home calmer for both of us? What is one boundary I’m afraid to enforce, and why?

• What is the smallest, most realistic way I can show up for Stella daily without burning out? How will I measure success without tying it to doing “enough”?