Silence Is Sacred?

Holding Silence, Reconnection, and the Emotional Whiplash

• What am I actually hoping will happen as I hold this silence? Am I waiting for clarity, validation, regret, or a chance to feel chosen?

I think we can think of this in layers. I think the first layer is the need to feel a hit of our connection, which I had a taste of Monday and Friday when he messaged my best friend. I'm now looking for another hit, so basic attachment need wanting to have him validate that I'm still in his orbit and he still wants our connection and thinks of me. 

The second layer is more complicated. I want validation (which I received plenty of the night we reconnected almost a month ago). I want to know he longs for me, loves me. I want confirmation he is in pain and regrets his choice. I want him to feel my absence deeply to where it impacts his day to day.. I know it sounds spiteful but it's really me wanting even more reassurance that I'm not alone in being heartbroken. 

The third layer is basic and my inner child. I want to know he won't abandon me. I want to know I am lovable and I want him to come back because of how much he loves me. I realize that won't and shouldn't happen in all reality. But it's still there.

• When Ian reached out to Marlena and then to me, what story did I instantly write about what it meant? What other meanings are possible?

When I first saw his messages to my best friend I felt satisfied but also angry. "He can't bear the guilt. He pities me. He feels sorry for me and worries that I want to hurt myself. He doesn't believe I can survive without him or that I'm so in love with him I'd actually do something terrible because of this." I know this is likely majority my fear and insecurity talking.

There are plenty of other meanings and human beings are so complicated and nuanced and multiple things can be true at once. I'm trying to steer myself from black/white thinking but it's tough because my brain seeks control and security (OCD) and I know he struggles with the same thought process.

If I'm living in my wise adult mind, I know that he feels deep guilt and shame for the way he handled our reconnection and for the things he did and said, and how he left me in silence hurting. I know he feels attachment to me, feels love for me, feels deep remorse and that I'm an emotional live wire for him. I know that he fears I am gone from his life, is terrified I think he is a monster, that I'm actually done with him this time and will stay gone forever. He's feeling a lot of negative feelings about himself. He looks at me as someone he still has a responsibility toward. He still loves me in his scared way.

• What part of me lights up when he resurfaces, even slightly? What need is that version of me trying to meet?

It used to be my heart. My security and my sense of home. Event that felt scary and complicated. Now it lights up a part of me that feels more removed and detached, but very much invested due to my ego and self-perception. My obsession with NOT being the rejected one, the loser in the break up. 

It lights up my ego and validation centers - not my love. It feels more like a challenge, something to win. I'm realizing that was always there, however. 

• How does silence give me a sense of control in a relationship where I felt powerless? What fear is this silence protecting me from?

Slowly letting this sink in as I feel a big loss of control simultaneously: I can't gauge his reaction, pull out anything from him that he feels. I can't directly impact him with my words.

But I also feel a sense of control slowly creeping in, especially as time passes on my side. I'm realizing that I'm doing this to protect myself, to stand up for myself. I fucking respect myself. The way he remained silent during my crash out, the things he said before, during, and after the night we spent together and then his subsequent shut down. Those were wrong. He shut down because of fear and did abandon me for himself, like he did before, he is a scared man. I'm realizing he made me feel flawed, unstable and responsible for the demise of our relationship. But what happened in our reconnection was just a microcosm of our relationship, his fear sabotaging everything good, him sabotaging something beautiful for comfort. It feels like I'm avenging myself, finally. I was gaslit. 

He doesn't deserve my response, he doesn't deserve my efforts in taking the emotional wheel like I always did in our relationship. Like I did post break up. I just constantly comforted him with my attention, he always knew I was still hurting ie. I still wanted him.

He doesn't deserve access to me or a response. Only maybe if he fucking acknowledges what he did and I like the way he says it. He kept saying sorry the day I was hurting so badly - but the way he left me in the dark when I was clearly struggling was so cowardly. I'm disgusted by it. Im protecting myself from a weak and sad man, who I'm much stronger than. 

I control his access to me. I control his perception or access to my heart, I keep those things inside of me, I'm tired of giving him the keys to my emotions and heart. That's how he regulates. Now I'm fucking gone and he has to look at himself in the mirror, with a quiet room. It will come for him.

• What do I imagine Ian is feeling right now? What evidence do I have for that, and what parts am I filling in with fantasy or hope?

I mostly imagine he's feeling a gut sinking guilt whenever I flash in his mind, whenever something reminds him of me or Stella. I think that's primary. I think he's also thinking of how intensely I loved him, feeling sad that he may not ever feel that from anyone else again. I think he feels shame. 

The evidence I have is his wellness check to Marlena and then three days later, me. "Can you please let me know if you're ok?" "Lmk if I could do something. I doubt it, but lmk." "Morning. Called to check in. Hope you're doing ok." After he called me at 7:30AM on Monday. I think he's feeling a bit of urgency because he doesn't know if I'm ok. But him following up directly with me after checking in with Marlena tells me he wanted to know more than just if I'm ok, he wanted to know if he still had access to me, if I hated him. If I really blocked him. 

I have some fantasy and hope that he feels regret and longing and wishing he didn't shut the door on repair. But I know that's not likely real. 

• What version of Ian am I longing for — the real man with real limitations, or the heightened version created in moments of connection?

The one who called me "my love." The one who planned trips for us, who bought me really thoughtful gifts, who took care of me. The one who took Stella on a treat shopping spree before her tonsillectomy. The one who laughed so hard when she did something very Stella. The one who looked at me with the most intense love in his eyes. That was a consistent version. For some time. But he drifted because of our conflict.

• How did the recent reconnection awaken old attachment patterns in me? What emotions did it reactivate that I haven’t processed yet?

It made me feel this unbelievable confusion and relief. Is he back? Is he actually back? Should I tell Stella I'm texting him? I was so excited. I was caught up in a fantasy mode that everything would go back to normal, we'd head up and see his kids the following weekend even.

I think I'm processing. It woke me up to the fact that he really was my favorite person to hang out with. 

• If Ian reached out again tomorrow, what boundaries would I need in place to protect myself from repeating the same cycle?

I would need to not overshare. I would need to not respond unless his outreach was meaningful and took ownership. I would need to stay protective of myself and stop being the pursuer. He would need to pursue.

• What would it take — in concrete actions, not words — for me to trust him again? Is he capable of that right now?

Genuine vulnerable outreach. I know that's incredibly difficult for him but I don't give a fuck, I deserve it. Not just from him but overarchingly. I deserve a man who can come to me, look me in the eyes, and say I deserve the world and want to show up for me.

• If I stopped waiting for a message, what part of me fears that would mean the story is truly over?

The part of me who dreamt of a family with him. The part of me who played the role of a mom to his kids. The part of me who believed having a family and the things I want are possible. 

• What emotions am I avoiding feeling by focusing on when or whether he will reach out next? What truth am I afraid will surface if I stop watching him?

I'm avoiding the work I need to do. I'm avoiding the full acceptance that he is not capable of being in a healthy relationship that I deserve. That it wasn't rejection of me, it was a redirection for me to a healthier path in my life. 

I'm afraid that I'll realize the chapter is over and that I'll have to move forward without any comfort from the past remaining in my present. That's always been very tough for me.

• In what ways do I still tie my worth to Ian wanting me? How does this show up in my silence, my longing, and my analysis of his behavior?

So many fucking ways.

• If I were writing the ending of this chapter from my strongest, clearest, most adult self, what would she choose — and why?