There's No Such Thing As Closure After All

It's Saturday morning. Stella is eating a hot dog, her request for breakfast, and I'm drinking a cold brew with almond milk since I'm out of protein shakes. I'm feeling really peaceful and content aside from her dad messaging me out of the blue asking to change her medication routine entirely in a very dramatic way. On par for him. I need to be better at triaging those interactions, not reacting deeply, and letting it roll off.

I've been through a lot over the past four months, let alone the past three weeks. I went through one of the most traumatic levels of heartbreak I've experienced in my entire life. It's taken me a lot to get upright. I wanted to restart this blog as an anchor archive to jot down my thoughts, gratitude, work through my shit. My ADHD looks like a ton of half-finished journals and half written entries due to hand cramps. 

So let's fucking go.

There are a few separate topics I'd like to work through: Ian/breakup, professional life, future, hope.

Ian and breakup

When I strip away the fantasy and the longing, what actually happened between us these last three weeks?

I was given proof of his resolve, of who he is. My ex is a very damaged man, who is afraid of hurt, he's afraid of strong emotions (whether they be positive or negative) and he feels the need to protect himself above all else. 

He is also a man who still loves me, deeply, is deeply impacted by my words, my gaze, my body, my laughter, my hands, my love. I felt all of that two weeks ago when we reunited. It was such a beautiful night, I told him it felt like I got to go back home for a little while. He also told me that seeing me makes him want to be a better man, and he was sorry for not trying hard enough to work on himself for us, and our kids. His lingering communication confused me, he kept messaging me and my attachment locked in completely. I was almost blissfully reattaching and in disbelief that he could be mine again, I could hold Maddie and Asher again. Like nothing had ever changed.

I was wrong. I realized my hope and lack of self-protection put me out there, which I am proud of but also resent, as it exposed me to his further shut down and rejection. I see he is damaged, dependent on his ex wife, shirks accountability. He is a good man with very deep emotions and love, all of which he can't handle.

Overall, I feel at peace. I know he loves me. I know this is one of the hardest things to happen in his life, and mine.

What part of me kept reaching for him even after it hurt, and what was that younger version of me trying to fix?

This is an incredible question. 

I think it was my middle school teenage self. I want to be accepted, loved, admired, not rejected. I wanted my parents to feel proud of me. I wanted boys to like me, like they loved my friend Arielle. I wanted to feel like the most beautiful, because that is what matters in our society. I wanted to be the one who doesn't hurt, is unbothered by others thoughts of me, independent, who has self love. 

I was reaching for him to give that to me.

What did I learn about the difference between connection and chaos?

I learned that I don't know the difference in action. That chaos and connection are two things I'm both equally drawn to. Ian is repelled by chaos but also drawn to connection, which is much healthier. I couldn't understand how our conflict held him back from trying again, because to me it means love.

What truth do I keep avoiding because it threatens the story I built around us?

That Ian was not the one. That no matter how perfect everything seemed at the time, I did not feel safe in that relationship which is why I kept trying to leave subconsciously. That it wouldn't have worked for me. That it only felt perfect because I had never been in a relationship with a man who was my equal intellectually, emotionally, and also co-parenting and our interests. 

That this relationship taught me my standards and simultaneously taught me that I need to listen to my gut. It was screaming when we were 6 months in and the enmeshment with his ex and other exes became apparent. I should have left.

How has my body reacted now that the emotional rollercoaster has stopped? What does that tell me?

I feel eerily calm. Almost bored, which funnily enough triggers anxiety for me. I feel very alone, but also relieved. Almost like I have the full arc of intel that I need to do the work. And I also feel sort of vindicated. I know Ian didn't leave me because he didn't love me, and I know he still loves me. So it feels less like the abandonment story I have leaned on for months.

My body feels still heightened, I'm hyper focused on work and bettering myself instead of just, existing. It tells me that I have work to do on accepting peace in my life. Accepting ease.

WHAT I WANT MY LIFE TO LOOK LIKE

If nothing from my past relationships was allowed to define me, what would I build next?

Unstoppable self-respect, self-trust, and self-esteem. I can feel I'm already on the cusp of this. I know I'm lovable by default, I just have to love myself.

I would build a relationship that's secure, that adds to mine and Stella's life, that gives me confidence and doesn't define me. I'd be with someone who is my intellectual and emotional match. Who is funny and driven and hopeful. Who inspires me to be better and vice versa.

Describe my life in 12 months: financially, romantically, academically, emotionally. Don’t censor it.

This is tricky for me, this is where my negativity creeps in. But I refuse to not rise to the betterment of myself.

In 12 months I will have a higher paying job, my credit score will be 700+, I will have 10k+ in savings, and a budget locked in place. Romantically, I will be dating a man who I respect and admire, building something slowly but something that gives me joy and makes me feel love and hope again. Academically, I'll be crushing it in my third semester of 2026 and well on my way to finishing my degree a year from then. I'll have raised my GPA to a 3.7 or 3.8. Emotionally I will be more consistent, more at ease, more addicted to peace than chaos, more centered, less reactive. I will have consistent scheduled time with friends, playdates, family, and colleagues as well as a romantic interest.

What does “peace” look like in daily practice?

Being gentle with myself and those around me. Drinking water. Feeding myself. Making my home a place I want to be in, that I feel proud of.

What kind of woman do I want Stella to observe me becoming this year?

I want her to see me becoming secure, hopeful, filled with life and excitement, confident.

What are the three habits that, if I committed to them daily, would make me unrecognizable (in the best way) by next summer?

1. Better sleep. 8-9 hours nightly. This would help my body goals, emotional goals, and fuel success in so many areas.

2. Financial health and debt pay-off. Budgeting every Sunday night and following a strict savings and credit pay-off plan. Confidence x100. Tummy Tuck.

3. Strength training. Lifting weights x2-3 a week. Complete body recomp.

What version of me am I growing into and why is she worth the discomfort of shedding the old version?

I feel that I'm growing into the confident version of me. Finally. She is so worth the discomfort of shedding the old anxiously attached version who found her worth only in a the people around her, and not within herself. She's so worth the discomfort of shedding the old version. I realize, as much as a romanticize my relationship with Ian as one of the best seasons of my life, I was so unhappy. So completely dependent on him and his habits to give me stability. So completely dependent on him to keep me afloat and make me feel good about my career, my body, my financial state. 

I'm so ready to let go of that smaller version of me. I hurt for her and I want her to know "I am daddy" now. I'm the one to lean on. I was the one who brought passion, sex, love, excitement, trips and travel, love into my relationships. Why am I missing the other person when those are all mine to bring to my next relationship?

This felt good. Xo