All of My Worst Fears Only Exist in My Head

It's Thursday January 1st, 2026. I'm writing this in my kitchen in my exercise bike set up, it gives me a lot of release and comfort. It's 5:10PM and Stella is with Mitchell. I'm always excited for her to spend time with him so I can finally "get things done," but once she's gone I miss her so much and I turn inward and feel depressed. I don't end up accomplishing much on nights like these, but I think it's imperative that I write down how I feel today. I've been feeling a a lot.

Today is overall a lovely January day, sunny, despite the bite in the air. Just came in from a walk a few minutes ago and my hands still haven't regained any warmth, they feel like little claws on the keyboard as I type. 

I feel so fatigued today. I'm sure PMS and the 4 espressotini's last night doesn't help my state by any means, but I feel this exhaustion in my bones. I feel a lot of sorrow today, in this moment particularly, being alone in my little kitchen that needs a complete remodel. The quieter emotion underneath is fear, a deep worry that I will never truly be a happy person, that I'll always be a glass half empty girl, with no partner, a daughter who is worried about my next mood.

There's also a lot of grief that came up last night at the stroke of midnight, when the ball dropped. Despite Travis texting me, and being with Stella and my best friend - I felt consumed by this overwhelming despair over Ian. He is still in my system like a cancer, our relationship is. It hurts so much that he's with someone else, anyone else, let alone a cute 25 year-old. I keep replaying so many things, but mostly that he wanted to marry me and then he rejected me. Twice. He used me. I keep replaying images of him with someone else, him happy without me, relieved, making fun of me even with family and friends. 

I wish he saw that our conflict was something that could have been worked on, I wish he felt what we had was important enough to work through. The real things I miss is how seen with each other we felt, and how loved we both felt with one another, even if within our relationship neither of us had the tools to show it in the ways we both needed. He and I both still know how much we loved each other. What I miss that is actually a pattern is reassurance after conflict. The final conflict happened (break up) and I have none. Now I just have to... move on. 

I know that he really tried during our relationship and I hurt him, but he stayed. He tried his best to stay in something that was scaring and hurting him. I know that he loved me and he intended on spending his life with Stella and I. I also know that he doesn't have the strength anymore to try to come back and work through it. I know that he fears conflict much more than I do. I know that he thinks I am beautiful and desirable. He knows that I am hurt and I love him and his kids. 

The fear in me tells me he got sick of me, he lost attraction, he left me because he wants a woman who is better and more attractive. But, I do know he wanted to spend his life with me and wanted me and only me, but our conflict was too painful for him to stay.

If this pain had a headline it would be "All of My Worst Fears Will Always Come True." My brain tells me I'm not good enough, I don't deserve better, I lost my chance at happiness. I'm willing to practice is a different story that honors the love we had, namely the love he had for me, and also the truth that our dynamic was not healthy.